Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Having been a father for the best part of 11 years, I have come to a disturbing conclusion: my kids are zombies.
Perhaps that sounds harsh or far-fetched, but I stand by my words. My kids are zombies. And the world is filled with brains. Rich, gooey braaaains.
It’s almost Pavlovian. For example, all I need do is mention the word “car” and my boys are out in the garage, scratching at the paint, hammering on the windows and moaning in an unearthly manner. At least when they were babies the hammering and moaning was confined. Now they can open doors.
Many’s the time I’ve been sloughing off my sleep with a hot shower, only to have little claw-fingered hands digging at the glass, moaning to be let in.
“Fresh braaaains?”
“Sorry boys. Still only half-baked.”
Apart from the shower, though, home is boring. Home will fill your mouth with salt and sew your lips closed (the only hygienically sound way to destroy a zombie - all other methods mean more cleaning up for dad).
I know what you’re thinking. For those of us who head out to the coal mines every weekday, home is a sanctuary, a place of rest, a calming oasis in the…oh, who am I kidding? Home is far harder work than work would ever dare to be. But it’s OUR work. And we can drink openly while we do it.
Our home is filled with toys, games, books, hyperactivity-inducing snack foods and a poor old kelpie-bull-terrier-cross who wonders where all the attention went and who now knows very well when to play dead. But none of those things will do. Home is a braaaain-free zone.
Perhaps it’s different with girls. I have no daughters. In my family, it wouldn’t matter if we were driving to Ye Olde Worlde Dental Schoole for a practical demonstration. Wherever we’re going, the brains flow like wine and the streets are paved with, well, braaaains.
Some places are simply festooned with succulent brains. Playgrounds, of course. Parks, too. However, what surprises us most is how widely scattered the brains are. Hardware stores are filled with brains. Post offices, too. Even taking my younger zombie to a public toilet. Urinals. Paper towels. Hand dryers. Brains. Braaaains! Everywhere!
Or are they? In so many cases it’s only the hint of brains. There’s obviously been a rumour sent around zombie culture that public telephones are a cheap and reliable source of scrummy brains. My littlest zombie man can’t pass a phone without picking it up.
But of course, there are none. Not even in the coin slot. Not even two seconds later in the coin slot. In fact - no, not now either, son...uh, where was I?
Shopping malls are the worst, though. Electronic braaaains, chocolate braaaains, flashing braaaains, jelly braaaains, noisy braaaains, hot-and-cold-running braaaains, sugar-coated-deep-fried-in-molasses…well, you get the idea.
The other reason that the mall is so brainalicious, of course, is that there really are brains there. Brains so fresh they’re still steaming. It’s just that those brains are still in their bodies. Brains with pretty faces which dance atop shapely, scantily-clad bodies. Brains that float in on a floral scent and adjust their pony-tail. Brains that wear rectangular glasses and dye their hair orange and purple to match the tattoo on their hip. My eldest boy is closer to 11 than 10 now, and he’s been addicted to this particular flavour of braaaains since he was 5. Not, uh...not sure where he...uh, gets that from...
In light of that last point, it gets me thinking. Perhaps men, at least, never truly shake off the zombie stage. A single-minded devotion to the one thing they desire more than anything else. Zombies, too, only ever have “one thing on their minds”.
See, girls, we really DO love you for your...braaaains…


Secretia said...

Yes you love us for our BRA ins!


Willsin Rowe said...

Ooh...that we do, Ms. Secretia...but of course they're WAY down the list: mind, personality, integrity, honesty, sense of humour, BOOBIES...uh, what was I saying...?

Anonymous said...

Hooray for boobies!!!!

Willsin Rowe said...

I know who you are, boobie cheering woman! And I love you for YOUR braaaains, too...

Anonymous said...

my braaaaaaains are particularly attractive! ahem... cough cough!!! You are!

Christian said...

aha-ha! great post! Braaaains are everywhere! We are zombies actually! Lol!

Happy Thanksgiving!